We Women…
We are FIERCE.
We are Fierce in our Loving,
Fierce in our Childbearing and Rearing,
Fierce in our Beliefs, our Faith, our Sexuality, our Empathy, our Compassion,
and unfortunately, we can also be quite Fierce AGAINST our Sisters (all of the women that are woven into our lives, as well as those we’ve never met).
When green-eyed Jealousy appears-LOOK OUT.
(Note: Of course, this emotion is just as present in men as in women-I am writing to what I have known and experienced in my own life, as a woman.)
On Hidden Jealousy
From my understanding, a multitude of generations ago, jealousy was only supposed to be a man’s emotional right. The man, being the pursuer in the relationship, had the ability to possess this emotion and it was considered normal. On the other hand, for us women, it was a darker emotion that we were not supposed to have in our emotional repertoire. This pain-ridden shame over jealousy seems to have remained in the female psyche.
If we begin to explore and understand that jealousy is, indeed, just as much a rightful part of the woman’s emotional palate as the man’s, then perhaps we can begin to shift the way it manifests in our lives.
Oh My-Those Jealous Reactions
When we are jealous we can feel threatened and ashamed. We may feel the need to compete-to be sexier, smarter, more appealing, creative, talented, knowledgable or just ”more right”. Rather than being uplifted and inspired by other women who have something we envy, we lash out- sometimes subtly and other times in an outright, disdainful tirade.
We may also find ourselves desperately trying to hide this painful emotion, or disguising it- even from ourselves. If it comes up in discussions with others, it will often display itself under the guise of a piece of gossip or a put-down, rather than an admission that we might just be secretly feeling a little jealous.
When we react to jealousy, as it occurs, we are not only conceding our own personal power, but we are also damaging the power of women as a whole. And it’s not really promoting a harmonious relationship with the men in our lives either. Many relationships break up over these feelings that we are desperately trying to resist and hide.
Jealousy and RRrrrreeeeeooOOWWWW!!!!!
Female cattiness is prevalent in our society. It begins even in very young girls. Jealousy-laden gossip may be discouraged by us, yet it is also thoroughly modeled at the same time. So what method is going to prevail here? What we say, or what we actually do?
There can EVEN be a very subtle to overt jealousy mothers will feel with her own daughters, or the friends of their daughters(who may hold a perceived threat to their own daughter’s success in the world). This too is a normal feeling, but one that would be best to be handled in a mature, and loving, way by the mother.
It is my thought, that because jealousy is present in ALL WOMEN on some level, and because we generally all feel a sense of shame and guilt attached to it, we are instead being presented with a chance to connect over it in the positive, advancing-kind-of -way. If we can begin to unravel jealousy as a natural emotion that we do not need to identify with, then perhaps we can move out of this stage in which we are currently stuck.
I have been the disher of jealousy, and the receiver. I think we can all agree that neither position feels like a good one. I also know from my own personal experience, that some of the women that I have felt jealous of in my life, have also been women that I admired, adored, and wanted to connect with on a deeper level. That desire to connect can already be present in the feeling itself.
Jealousy’s Gift
So… What then would the world be like if we were able to recognize our jealous emotions and refrain from lashing out over them? What would it be like if we felt okay about having this emotion, observing it ,and letting it go without it becoming all-consuming?
Below are some suggestions for things We Can Do.
We Can Accept Jealousy When It Shows Up.
The first step to creating ANY positive change is through acceptance for what is. Resistance of the current emotional state only drives the perceived negativity deeper into our psyche. In case you haven’t noticed, resisted situations will always continue to emerge (wearing the same outfit or a new one) until there is some level of acceptance for them showing up in the first place.
We Can Understand That Jealousy Is a Normal and Shared Emotional Experience.
Women, men, and children-we all experience this emotion-some more intensely than others. So why is it so taboo to admit it? I believe that as women it makes us feel that we appear not-so-confident, or wrong for feeling jealous. Yet, if we come to an internal and collective understanding that all emotions are normal and it is what we do with them that matters, things may begin to shift.
We Can Learn to Be a Witness.
Learning to be a witness to your emotions, as well as a gatekeeper, is a sign of emotional maturity. It usually becomes more difficult to contain ourselves when we have no amount of personal time spent in meditation, prayer or some other form of reflective examination and stress reduction. Obviously, in our world today, we are completely bombarded in all directions to the point of overload. I believe it is absolutely vital to carve out this time for ourselves- even if for five minutes a day, preferably more.
We Can Get Into Integrity with Ourselves and Other Women.
The thing about personal reflection and meditation is that it usually continues to reveal layers of ourselves that we might not be too keen on facing. So instead, we tend to make excuses for why we won’t, or can’t, take the time. Yet, everytime each layer IS faced- a level of INTEGRITY is restored and the spirit becomes less fragmented. Each time we restore that layer in ourselves, we are also planting a seed for women everywhere.
We Can Learn to Revel in Another’s Joy and Accomplishments
It has been said that when we truly learn to be happy for other’s successes and joys, we invite more of the same qualities into our own lives. We may need to fake it at first, especially with certain people, but as we make the continued effort, it becomes a more natural process. What we see in others can also be a reflection of our own beauty, or it may be a recognition of what we would like to see more of in our lives. We can look to these women as models, mentors and teachers, rather than women to compete with that “have what we want”.
We Can Gather with Other Women Who are Committed to Change
There are many fabulous women (and men) out there who are not only sensing the shifting energy that is happening to change the world as we see it today, but they are also heeding the inner call to participate in this shift. These women are busy examining all of the outdated structures that are holding us all back in so many ways. We can find them and join them, or we can create our own groups of committed women who are consciously making efforts to move forward.
As a side note: Friends and family can sometimes be a difficult place to exercise new ways of relating because of the pre-existing patterns, and bonding mechanisms, that are already in place. By practicing in other settings first, we will begin to bring these new ways of being into our intimate and familiar relationships, because we are now embodying these qualities more naturally ourselves.
We Can Bond over Something Different
There are many subjects that we women bond over that are NOT jealousy related. When jealousy begins to creep in, we can learn to recognize it, and shift our attention to something else. I have recently been examining the subtle levels of jealousy and gossip in my own life. I may have convinced myself that I am not a gossiper only to find myself doing- none other than- gossiping, even if I am disguising it as something else.
Doing things differently takes a lot of conscious effort. It may feel weird, not as popular, or not as fun. It may meet with great resistance, and we may lose friends over it. It’s not going to happen overnight, and we will make mistakes, but we have to start somewhere.
Let’s begin to do the work neccessary to find a way to relate to this aspect of ourselves, so that we are NOT continuing an all-too familiar pattern.
Let’s find a way to leave jealousy-driven gossip OUT of our conversations, and OUT of our BONDING.
Let’s make a conscious effort to relate to one another in a way that UPLIFTS the human race by PARTNERING with other women , rather than undercutting them.
I believe that this is necessary, and necessary right now.
My Amazing Sisters-If you have any thoughts about this blog post, I’d love to hear from you.
(and if you happen to be a man reading this article” For Women Only”-I’d love to hear from you also)
I invite you to leave your thoughts and comments below. Just click on the leave comment link at the foot of the post.
