When in the presence of someone processing some uncomfortable or painful feelings, even the most compassionate of us will sometimes, if not often, pull out typical empathetic responses covertly hiding the “rescue me”, panicky feelings that begin to well up inside.
“It’s all going to be okay. Don’t worry.”
If I am on the receiving end of someone’s regret, remorse, reflection or sadness, I want to immediately jump in and assure them that everything will be okay. I want to tell them that they don’t need to feel a certain way, or process their emotions, because it will all be just fine in the end.
On deeper reflection into these moments, I can see that not only do I want people to be feeling better about their circumstances, but also I do not want to handle their psychological burdens.
I find myself wanting to validate, excuse, or placate someone away from any type of emotional and psychological pain, just as I wish to do my own.
The Pain and the Process
“Rescue me from this pain” seems to be a common mantra in any situation that is difficult. We want everything to be free and peaceful, and we run from these feelings, both in ourselves, and in others.
We can do things to ease the pain of someone who is suffering, but escape the pain we cannot. Moving through it, rather than avoiding it, can be the best thing we can do.If we stuff it, it will come back later manifesting as an illness, or another situation that bears a striking similarity to the last. Works every time.
(Note-I am not talking about being present for people who are not handling their emotions appropriately, or are using others as a scapegoat to blame their issues on.)
When my son has an emotional outburst, or is feeling sad, it takes everything in me to just be to present to that. I desperately want it all to be better, so essentially I might begin to intervene into what should be a natural process.
Silence and Presence
Accepting what another person needs to be experiencing in the moment, and what you may also need to be experiencing- being a witness to the suffering- is quite an emotionally mature task. It is something that I am currently working on in my own life; both in my own situations and in these moments with others.
Hardships are what make us grow, These difficulties cause us to dig down deeper past all of the muck that we are buried under.
I find it amazing that when I cease to tell my son all of the reasons why he shouldn’t be upset, he figures it out on his own, and quickly moves on. We can learn a thing or two from these resilient children…
Feel it, accept it, learn from it, let it go, and move on.
The next time rescuing is on your mind, pause before you speak and reflect. Give that individual, as well as yourself, the gift of presence and a listening ear. Perhaps refrain from resorting to all of the many things that might be said to, gulp, make you feel better rather than them.
